He Wouldn't Dance With Me

It makes sense to me that, if I want to live a full and enjoyable single life that I have to really be clear on my own identity. One of the things I am aware of is the tendency for people who couple to give up portions of themselves in order to better cohabitate with their mate. I don’t know that I have seen this so much in roommates. It seems more customary in coupled people. And even though I am not a milquetoast kinda gal and have always been somewhat independent – if I really wanted to do something I would do it with or without someone else - I know that there are things I haven’t explored that I would like to explore now.

Identity: what is my identity? What are the things I like? What things have I held myself back from doing? And ...what are things I am going to try to do on my own?

Well, immediately after we broke up, I decided to go back to a place in England that we had visited briefly a couple of years ago on a camping trip throughout England. I really wanted to go back there sometime and NOT CAMPING! I love the idea of walking in the dales and the distance from one village to the next is doable. But one thing I learned on the last trip (my ex liked to save money by camping) was that, despite our most enthusiastic efforts, ” Tiggers don’t like thistles” and I doesn’t like camping!

Therefore I had to do a bit of research and I found out that I could rent a little flat in one of the small villages for a very reasonable rate, gathered together my Aeroplan points and planned a trip to the dales for the first two weeks of my summer vacation.

You know, I hate to admit that this trip also has the added benefit of the equivalent of sticking my tongue out at my ex because I swore I would never travel again after that trip. It was the worst weather in England in 160 years (flooding etc.) and I was determined never to do that kind of travel again... which meant I determined that I wouldn’t travel with him again... since I would be having to camp with him if I did.

I hate to admit that I feel like sticking out my tongue and singing, “Nyah, nyah!” because, at 54, I am supposed to be more mature than that. Also, I sincerely believe I will be a lot freer in myself when what matters to someone else, especially him, doesn’t even occur to me. So I am working on that and that is the point behind finding my own identity.

Back to things I like:
Wonderful smells: my perfume, my clothes after they come out of a wash and they have been in the dryer with a scented fabric softener sheet, the smell of a horse, newly cut grass, just baked bread, leaves in the autumn, a baby, some men, leather, and jean jackets

drawing and painting

making jewelry

knitting scarves (not anything more complicated than scarves... just scarves... and so far, just garter stitch!) And, speaking of making just scarves, and just garter stitch... I have had kindly people offering to teach me another stitch and concerned people questioning my limited interest in learning how to knit complicated, multicoloured sweater art. We all have that kind of thing... we are happily enjoying the process of what simple thing we are doing for whatever reasons we have, and someone else thinks we need to push our limits in this. Why bother? I push my limits elsewhere and prefer to limit my limits and enjoy this simple pleasure. It has been scientifically proven that using small motor skills as in knitting is good for alleviating depression... go figure.

walking: I could walk for hours and hours... if my knees and feet don’t betray me. I intend to begin a “Program” so that I am all set for my “Walking the Dales” experience. I found that it was too easy to slip into homeboundness in the last few years... that, coupled with age has contributed to the knees/feet thing. I remember reading about some Swiss guy who was hiking the mountains at the age of 98 and he didn’t complain about his knees or feet. Or anything. Makes me want to get off my duff. I don’t want to be limited in doing anything I feel like doing now that I consider the world to be opening in front of me. Imagine the world opening to you and you have to say, “Uh... hold on... I’m having trouble getting off my duff.” The world keeps spinning.

animals: I like the the smell of horse breath; the feel of animals; their warmth; their honesty; the companionship they so readily offer.

reading: I love reading for hours at a time, in my flannel pjs, in bed with a good pot of tea beside me.

singing: I love singing at the top of my lungs to music played very loudly.

dancing: I love dancing and I will dance alone while singing and listening to music played very loudly. I don’t like to do either the singing or this kind of dancing with anyone else around. However I do like dancing with a partner in a more socially acceptable manner in public. But for the last 18 years I have had to dance alone. I’m thinking I may take up belly dancing for fun and exercise. I suppose I will be doing that alone too, with dvd’s as my tutors! Somehow I just don’t see myself wanting to belly dance in public... there are just some things I won’t do at this age!


Well, there are a lot of things I like. The point of the exercise is to define the likes. And define the dislikes.


Other things I like:

Victoriana
wonderful old buildings
luxury hotels
snuggling a puppy
holding my granddaughter
snuggling into a newly made bed
sunsets
trees
cottage gardens
period movies
Celtic music
watching tv and knitting
zirbitzing my daughter
warm sunny days
cool, cloudy days
having friends over for informal dinners
shopping
putting on makeup and wearing fun clothes.

Things I dislike:

camping.

parties and superficial social get togethers. (I often leave feeling I could have had a V8.)

disorder and surprises from my day-to-day life.

loud, self-centred, attention-seeking, know-it-all people.

wooses: especially self-martyring wooses. (You NEVER get away from them without them trying to manipulate you into paying big time for things you never asked for.)

annoying children... which pretty much means most of them.

strangers who sit beside you on a train or plane and then insist on monopolizing your reading time by trying to entertain themselves by talking at you.


(I’m seeing a real pattern with the things I don’t like: I am wondering if I basically don’t like people! I am pretty picky. Hmmm.)


Things I have held myself back from doing:

travelling to the Maritime provinces.

spending Halloween in Salem.

visiting New Orleans.

horseback riding with my daughter.

Things I want in my life, now or in the future:
a home I design for myself with a studio.

a King Charles Cavalier spaniel.

a mini facelift and liposuction on my tummy.

a wonderful garden.

a gardener for the hard and heavy bits!

to spend most of my time doing art and writing illustrated books.

to live near my kids and grandchild.

an on-call masseur who is big and strong and highly attracted to me in a recreational kind of way
to be fit and strong.


So, now I know what I like and try to have in my life. I know what I dislike and what to avoid. And I know things I want and can work towards having in my life.


Not anywhere does it say I want a partner or mate.

Does anyone celebrate being single?

I am newly single. Again.

I have just ended an 18 year relationship/marriage and have decided that I am fed up with partner relationships and just want to start enjoying the rest of my life single.

It is not easy for people to feel comfortable with the idea of being single when they have been brainwashed to believe that being with a partner is the only way to live life the "right way". I, myself, also spent many years trying to support a relationship that turned out to be one-sided so I am in the rip-tide of that as well.

Am I bitter? Sort of. But mostly I just don't feel like investing a lot of energy on a partner relationship anymore. Is that sad? Maybe, but I don't mean this to be an arena of sadness. I want this to be a declaration to live a new way that is going to be healthy and joyful and self-supporting.

Is it because I am a 54 year old woman with 3 grown kids and a one-year old granddaughter that I can say that I would rather live alone now? I am financially independent. I don't need anyone to support me. I don't need anyone to build a family. I have family in my kids and their spouses and kids and in my friends.

I enjoy doing things and the intimacy I have with my friends. They have been supportive and fill my heart with joy. I believe I do the same for them. I don't often feel lonely and I have never enough time in the day to do all the stuff I want to do. I am an artist and I like my job and co-workers.

I know I feel badly and will for a long time about my ex-relationship because it turned out to be built on secrets and addictions and betrayal . I have come to regard the things that were special and meaningful to me as being much less than I imagined them to be. Therefore when I become nostalgic and sad I remind myself that I had been deluding myself... perhaps that makes the loss easier to bear. At the same time, it reminds me of all the other times I have deluded myself in relationships (not just men, women friends also). So, for me, it seems to be the best thing to live alone; learn to love me and my life and value what I have to offer myself and others who value me.

It is true that I have looked to others to value me, especially the partners in my life. It is a mistake too many people make, I know. Doing this results in giving away a lot of power to others who might have their own issues and agendas. And seeing this, I have decided to live single and learn to give myself all that I need: and what I need most is to love and value myself and my life as I create it.

Why is it that I cannot find ANY other sites created by people celebrating their singleness? Maybe I don't google it right. I keep find sites wherein people don't celebrate single living as a way of life. Most of them are like advertisements, letting people know they are single... and looking for a partner. A lot of them say that it is great to live single...enjoy it until you feel like settling down.

I AM settled down! What does settling down mean? Having kids and a home? I have kids and a home! I was even single for a number of years while I was raising my children and I was single when I decided to have my last daughter, who is now 24. We always had a home. My kids live in their own homes now and that is great for me because I like living alone... settled in a beautiful home which I invested in and created myself.

When I lived alone before this last ex-relationship, I was always looking for a partner. I didn't even have an idea that living single was an option. I knew it wasn't a valued way of life. I wonder if I had been able to think beyond the way I was brainwashed to believe, if I wouldn't have saved myself a lot of heartache in the decisions I made in to settle for a being in a relationship rather than living single. I wonder if I wouldn't have grown more and developed more and learned to value myself more.

I don't think that living single precludes ever having a relationship if being in a relationship actually enriches both people's lives. I just know that since I haven't considered the lifestyle choice before, I need to spend a lot of time learning what that lifestyle has to offer me now.

So now I am 54 and I am going to live my life in a different way than I have before. I am open to embracing a new way of looking at living single. Whereas I felt I had no choice before, I see that I do have a choice and that I could be happier and healthier choosing to live single.

I invite you to share your experiences with me.