Identity: what is my identity? What are the things I like? What things have I held myself back from doing? And ...what are things I am going to try to do on my own?
Well, immediately after we broke up, I decided to go back to a place in England that we had visited briefly a couple of years ago on a camping trip throughout England. I really wanted to go back there sometime and NOT CAMPING! I love the idea of walking in the dales and the distance from one village to the next is doable. But one thing I learned on the last trip (my ex liked to save money by camping) was that, despite our most enthusiastic efforts, ” Tiggers don’t like thistles” and I doesn’t like camping!
Therefore I had to do a bit of research and I found out that I could rent a little flat in one of the small villages for a very reasonable rate, gathered together my Aeroplan points and planned a trip to the dales for the first two weeks of my summer vacation.
You know, I hate to admit that this trip also has the added benefit of the equivalent of sticking my tongue out at my ex because I swore I would never travel again after that trip. It was the worst weather in England in 160 years (flooding etc.) and I was determined never to do that kind of travel again... which meant I determined that I wouldn’t travel with him again... since I would be having to camp with him if I did.
I hate to admit that I feel like sticking out my tongue and singing, “Nyah, nyah!” because, at 54, I am supposed to be more mature than that. Also, I sincerely believe I will be a lot freer in myself when what matters to someone else, especially him, doesn’t even occur to me. So I am working on that and that is the point behind finding my own identity.
Back to things I like:
Wonderful smells: my perfume, my clothes after they come out of a wash and they have been in the dryer with a scented fabric softener sheet, the smell of a horse, newly cut grass, just baked bread, leaves in the autumn, a baby, some men, leather, and jean jackets
drawing and painting
making jewelry
knitting scarves (not anything more complicated than scarves... just scarves... and so far, just garter stitch!) And, speaking of making just scarves, and just garter stitch... I have had kindly people offering to teach me another stitch and concerned people questioning my limited interest in learning how to knit complicated, multicoloured sweater art. We all have that kind of thing... we are happily enjoying the process of what simple thing we are doing for whatever reasons we have, and someone else thinks we need to push our limits in this. Why bother? I push my limits elsewhere and prefer to limit my limits and enjoy this simple pleasure. It has been scientifically proven that using small motor skills as in knitting is good for alleviating depression... go figure.
walking: I could walk for hours and hours... if my knees and feet don’t betray me. I intend to begin a “Program” so that I am all set for my “Walking the Dales” experience. I found that it was too easy to slip into homeboundness in the last few years... that, coupled with age has contributed to the knees/feet thing. I remember reading about some Swiss guy who was hiking the mountains at the age of 98 and he didn’t complain about his knees or feet. Or anything. Makes me want to get off my duff. I don’t want to be limited in doing anything I feel like doing now that I consider the world to be opening in front of me. Imagine the world opening to you and you have to say, “Uh... hold on... I’m having trouble getting off my duff.” The world keeps spinning.
animals: I like the the smell of horse breath; the feel of animals; their warmth; their honesty; the companionship they so readily offer.
reading: I love reading for hours at a time, in my flannel pjs, in bed with a good pot of tea beside me.
singing: I love singing at the top of my lungs to music played very loudly.
dancing: I love dancing and I will dance alone while singing and listening to music played very loudly. I don’t like to do either the singing or this kind of dancing with anyone else around. However I do like dancing with a partner in a more socially acceptable manner in public. But for the last 18 years I have had to dance alone. I’m thinking I may take up belly dancing for fun and exercise. I suppose I will be doing that alone too, with dvd’s as my tutors! Somehow I just don’t see myself wanting to belly dance in public... there are just some things I won’t do at this age!
Well, there are a lot of things I like. The point of the exercise is to define the likes. And define the dislikes.
Other things I like:
Victoriana
wonderful old buildings
luxury hotels
snuggling a puppy
holding my granddaughter
snuggling into a newly made bed
sunsets
trees
cottage gardens
period movies
Celtic music
watching tv and knitting
zirbitzing my daughter
warm sunny days
cool, cloudy days
having friends over for informal dinners
shopping
putting on makeup and wearing fun clothes.
camping.
parties and superficial social get togethers. (I often leave feeling I could have had a V8.)
disorder and surprises from my day-to-day life.
loud, self-centred, attention-seeking, know-it-all people.
wooses: especially self-martyring wooses. (You NEVER get away from them without them trying to manipulate you into paying big time for things you never asked for.)
annoying children... which pretty much means most of them.
strangers who sit beside you on a train or plane and then insist on monopolizing your reading time by trying to entertain themselves by talking at you.
(I’m seeing a real pattern with the things I don’t like: I am wondering if I basically don’t like people! I am pretty picky. Hmmm.)
Things I have held myself back from doing:
travelling to the Maritime provinces.
spending Halloween in Salem.
visiting New Orleans.
horseback riding with my daughter.
Things I want in my life, now or in the future:
a home I design for myself with a studio.
a King Charles Cavalier spaniel.
a mini facelift and liposuction on my tummy.
a wonderful garden.
a gardener for the hard and heavy bits!
to spend most of my time doing art and writing illustrated books.
to live near my kids and grandchild.
an on-call masseur who is big and strong and highly attracted to me in a recreational kind of way
to be fit and strong.
So, now I know what I like and try to have in my life. I know what I dislike and what to avoid. And I know things I want and can work towards having in my life.
Not anywhere does it say I want a partner or mate.
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